Harry Potter: Criminal Mastermind
by The Drunken Whale
Summary: Volde-wart is dead. Good riddance. But now Harry has found a new problem that must be eliminated with his genius and tact: Draco Malfoy likes him. How else can you fend off a suitor? Why trick them and humiliate them of course. Too bad it doesn't work out


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**o/(Harry Potter: Criminal Mastermind)/o**

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**Rating**: PG-13 (several f-bombs and general cussing, molestation of the sexual nature)

**Summary: **Volde-wart is dead. Good riddance. But now Harry has found a new problem that must be eliminated with his genius and tact: Draco Malfoy likes him. How else can you fend off a suitor? Why, trick them and humiliate them, of course. Too bad it doesn't work out so well for Harry. HPDM

**Author's note: **This story is M/M. Male on male. Male in male. However you wanna say it. Homophobes and lezzies who don't like this stuff, beware. To all my fellow HPDM and MM fans, enjoy!

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Harry Potter was mad. Furiously mad. You could practically see the steam coming out of his ears.

What infuriated the normally calm-as-a-cucumber Potter lad?

Who else?

Malfoy.

Just hearing the name in his head brought a searing hot wave of raw fury surging through Harry's veins.

It was that fury that forced him to punch the stone wall like the incredible Hulk. (complete with a rather Hulk-like rawr) Except, y'know, the wall held strong despite Harry's mad-as-a-bull will to break something.

The wall ended up breaking something instead.

(Another thing added to the Reason Why Malfoy is a Fucking Prick list. And it was getting pretty long, let me tell you. He squeezed it in next to "walks like a ponce" and "has really shiny hair". Those were NOT complements, either. Really.)

Harry seethed, clenched his teeth and wished he had fangs to gnash.

He was livid. Positively pissed.

There was only one thing to cure his blinding fury. REVENGE.

Sweet, long lasting revenge with no side effects.

Oooooh yesss.

Malfoy would pay.

Harry grinned in revenge-drunk glee that had a first year piss his pants and scramble back into his mouse-hole.

A bounce found its way into Harry's step as pictures of bloody blond hair filled his mind's eye. Pretty, shiny blond hair…

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Hermione (shrub/bush hair and all) peered beneath her wild fringe and saw a shadow that resembled Harry.

"Harry?"

The figure grunted and plopped onto the couch beside her, radiating "fuck off" vibes.

Yeah, it was Harry.

Hermione sighed (Harry's eyebrow convulsed spastically), "What's wrong this time? Malfoy, I suppose?"

She received a confirming grunt.

"Stop that! No monosyllabic responses or grunting or hmm-ing or the like. Speak like a human being." She then switched tones like a mini-Molly, "Now, Harry, what happened to make you this way? Malfoy tip over your ink well? Steal your post? Give you the foot in a hall?"

Hermione had known Harry for six years. Quite a long time, and never EVER had she received such a response to a question about what Malfoy did to piss him off than what he gave her then.

Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world, _blushed_.

It was so startling that Hermione, top of her class, had no immediate response.

Harry just picked at a loose string on his pants and glared at the carpet, willing the hot blush across his cheeks to fade.

The sound of Hermione shutting her book sounded like an elephant splatting all over the bottom of a canyon. A really really tall one. Like the one Wily coyote falls from in every episode.

Harry flinched and looked out the window, lamenting the coyote's impending doom.

Hermione shoved a mass of hair out of her face and stared at Harry, "What happened?"

Harry bit his lip and still didn't meet her eyes, "He… uh… w-well…" His shaking hand ran through his hair as he relaxed back into the couch.

"He kind of…"

Hermione's eyebrows rose, "Did he pants you?"

Harry made a grimace, "Hell no."

"Then WHAT?"

Harry shifted uneasily, "He… he _kissed_ me."

If possible, Hermione's eyebrows rose even higher.

"Yeah."

"Oh…"

"Yeeeeaaah."

"hm. So he…"

"Yep."

"And did you-"

"NO!"

"hmm."

"…"

"hmmm…"

"…"

"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

"WHAT are you hmm-ing about? Speak like a human being, Herm."

"I find it is more effective to receive praise on a genius idea if it appears to take more time to think of."

"uh… What idea?"

"Well… Malfoy likes you, right?"

"I… guess…"

"And you don't like him?"

"HELL NO!"

"hm. So… why not play this to your advantage?"

An evil, evil dark spark entered Harry's eye.

"So, you're saying I humiliate him…"

Hermione nodded, "You could put it that way."

Harry cackled evilly and ran up to his four-poster to plot his revenge. Unfortunately, when he got there all that he could find to use was post-its and crayons. Undeterred, the mastermind proceeded with his dastardly plot of evil.

Hermione shook her head.

"Stupid, silly boy."

An evil glint sparkled in her eye as she took out a pouch of galleons and proceeded to count them gleefully.

"Malfoy certainly paid well for an idea that would have come to me anyway. Those two have been suspiciously obsessed with one anther since first year."

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This day was sure to go down in the history books, Harry was sure of it.

He welcomed the ever-present smirk once more as he opened the doors of the great hall, being greeted by potent smells of cooked meat, sweet pastries, and various drinks (some of the inventive nature due to hangovers from the never-ending wild-parties in the Gryffindor boys dorms ever since Voldemort's defeat).

A wave of undistinguishable chatter rushed over Harry as he made his way down the wide isle between Gryffindor and Slytherin, and put Phase 1 of Bring-Malfoy-Prick-Down-A-Few-Million-Pegs into action.

He had to time it perfectly, Draco, Slytherin prince, sat on the side of the table that faced Gryffindor. Harry sat with his back to Slytherin, so Phase 1 had to take place on his way to his seat.

Hermione had already spotted him and waved him over.

Harry returned the wave with a tight-lipped smile of concentration. YES! Out of his peripheral vision, he saw a blond head turn his way.

Hermione's attention had returned to her tea and Phase 1 commenced.

Harry cocked his head to the side, letting his messy bangs wisp over his right eye, smirked at Malfoy, and promptly winked his left.

Facing forward again, Harry continued to his seat like nothing happened.

Blaise Zabini, who had been trying to get Draco's attention for nearly three minutes now, would disagree.

"Unnnngg"

"Oh Ronald, stop moaning like a baby!" Hermione scolded.

"The sounds! S'too much, 'Mione." Ron buried his head in his elbow, head against the table to stop the furious pounding.

"If you didn't drink so much this wouldn't be happening. It's your own fault, now deal with it." Hermione buttered her toast and moved her bushy fringe away to take a bite.

Harry sat down with a triumphantly smug look on his face as he reached for the sausage.

Hermione put down her toast and regarded him carefully, "Did you do something dirty?"

Harry merely smirked, "Maybe."

Seamus, though appearing incapacitated, was promptly up like an eager rabbit, "What happened, mate? Bugger somebody?"

Harry grimaced, "No. Just… messing around with someone's head a bit."

If Seamus had ears, they would droop. He returned to his occupation as lifeless corpse number 7.

Hermione's eyes veered over to the Slytherin table where a frustrated Pansy tried to make Draco snap out of his motionless trance.

"Did you…"

Harry just raised an innocent eyebrow and took a bite of toast.

Hermione nodded with a small smile and returned to her breakfast.

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Two classes and a small break that consisted of getting hopelessly lost in the labyrinth commonly called the dungeons, Harry made his way to the only heaven on earth he knew.

Advanced Potions class.

Merlin himself spit upon Harry the hours he endured Snape's torture.

Phase 2 would commence this very hell-hole-of-a class, but Harry had to be careful. Keep an ever-present alertness for-

WHHOP!

"_Mister Potter_." Snape seethed between clenched teeth as he glided back to the front of the room from Harry's desk that he had whacked with his _coughcough_ disciplinary stick, "Would you kindly inform your classmates the pressingly important reason you were not paying attention?"

Harry blinked, brain scrambling for a lie. ANYTHING.

"Uh…"

Snape turned to face the class, hands clasped behind his back, eyebrow twitching, and lips pressed tightly into a thin, white line.

"I sincerely hope, for your sake, that monosyllabic grumble is not your reason, Mr. Potter."

Harry clenched his fists and rewrote Phase 2 in his mind. Hopefully the shock would save his sorry ass.

Relaxing into a confident/sexy/I-am-Bond-James-Bond façade, Harry smirked, "I was just daydreaming about what it would feel like to ram Draco into the dessert trolley."

Everyone could feel the implied sex-vibes, but had their choice to ignore it or squeal/gossip/dream about it later.

Snape decided to ignore it.

"Detention for the remainder of the week. You'll be blessed with the chore of cleaning the first year cauldrons."

Harry scowled darkly and slumped back into his seat, he even dropped his head dejectedly.

That's what it looked like, anyway.

It was really to hide the satisfied smirk at a phase well executed. Dra- Malfoy's wide-eyed stare was permanently ingrained into his memory.

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After an excruciatingly long Advanced Transfigurations class, filled with Malfoy stares that made the hair on the back of his neck rise, Harry was glad to traverse back to the Great Hall for dinner.

Not to mention Phase 3, the last, was going to begin and Harry was on edge with anticipation.

He really needed to get a hobby.

Harry shook his head as he sat down, filling his plate with steamed chicken and taters.

Hermione, having difficulties with controlling her bushy hair to see and hauling a jelly-like Ron, finally made it to the table and sat across from him.

Ron merely drooled on the table and passed out.

Hermione rolled her eyes and spooned a salad onto her plate, "So, how is your plan going?"

Harry grinned, "Rather brilliant, as always. I have one more phase and Malfoy will be so humiliated he'll leave the wizarding world."

Stifling a snort, Hermione coughed into her hand.

As she picked up her fork, Hermione asked, "Harry, I never did ask you, but what exactly happened when Malfoy kissed you?"

Chewing his chicken, Harry shrugged, swallowed, and said, "Well, we were in Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Professor Heimburg had us pair off." Harry rolled his eyes, "Naturally, I get paired with Malfoy." Hermione smiled knowingly. "And he and I are shooting spells all over the place and I'm just concentrating on not being turned into a spotted toad when he pops up right behind me." Harry blushed and shifted in his seat, "Then he… he sort of grabbed my wrist and-"

Hermione gasped, "Did he _snog_ you?"

Harry just shoved another forkful of chicken into his mouth.

Clamping a hand over her mouth to not laugh at Malfoy's lack of tact, Hermione steeled her expression and sipped calmly at a cup of Earl Grey.

"I was under the impression it was just a peck." She muttered quietly.

Harry's blush was back full force.

"Yeah well… Anyway, phase 3 needs to be put into action before the day is up. I like revenge short and sweet." Harry wiped his mouth on the newly stained napkin, stood up from the Gryffindor table, mostly full of unconscious boys, and seemingly made his way to the doors.

All eyes followed their fellow classmate and savior as he rose, but went back to their own business, as they knew he was most likely going to bed. But they drifted back to him as he changed course.

Harry Potter had turned and was walking down the Slytherin isle. As Harry was probably not going to start up a conversation with the wall to his left, he was more than likely heading for a specific Slytherin on his right.

Whispered murmurs flew around the room. Gossip rose. Was he going to punch someone? Start a fight?

Even a few Gryffindor heads lifted to see what was happening.

Harry had stopped behind the prince of Slytherin himself, and the whispers got louder.

He was going to start a fight! The conscious Gryffindor boys tensed, ready to defend their title.

Whispers died off as Draco turned around and stood to face Harry.

Both had blank expressions.

Both had similar thoughts with very different ends.

With a predatory smirk, Harry gripped Draco's tie and tugged violently, smashing their lips together.

The student body gasped as one.

Harry was gay! And dating Draco?

Seamus pouted and Dean patted his shoulder, not noticing the other boy eye him with a creeping smirk.

While another possible couple surfaced, all eyes were glued to the two boys quite energetically snogging at the Slytherin table. Draco had immediately taken control and, after clearing a spot on the table with an efficient sweep of his wand, had slammed Harry onto it and proceeded to shove his tongue as deep as humanly possible into Harry's very desired mouth.

Harry grasped desperately at Draco, pulling his warm, gorgeous body as close as possible. He moaned, as his pants grew a bit tight.

WAIT.

MERLINS BALLS! What the hell was he doing?

He was supposed to be humiliating his rival, not be aroused by a snog sess- OH MERLIN! Draco better not do that again or he'll explode.

Aw fuck it.

Grabbing a fistful of Draco's robes, Harry dragged him to the Gryffindor common room where he proceeded to learn what it feels like to ram into Draco.

And eventually, Harry found out what it feels like to ram Draco into a dessert trolley, which made the house elves very upset and proceeded to beat themselves.

Yes, Harry was feeling quite successful. His plan was genius. Even though, y'know, the outcome of him and Malfoy fucking like bunnies was not his goal.

Just an added bonus.

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**THE END**

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